I attempted to widen my social circle yesterday. I branched out beyond twins group and returned to another member’s house and then on to a “fun day”. It led to tears, mine. I did not fit in, I did not like the event. I power walked my boys, in their pushchair, back to Colin Car, sobbed outside a stranger’s house, preteneded to my boys I was sneezing, opened the emergency biscuits and headed to a safe haven, where there were smiley faces, tea and a friend who’s known me for 12 years and one I miss dearly, I consider her a fairly new friend. I need a t-shirt that reads ‘socially awkward, it’s not you, it’s me’
Having children has led me to try and socialise with groups of strangers. But in every person I talk to I’m looking for love, something meaningful, something interesting, it appears I don’t cope well with hi/bye friends. I just don’t see the point. I’m evil. Don’t get me wrong I love chat and banter with strangers or folk I know won’t come any further in to my life. As my Mum said, “you have a lovely circle of friends, don’t over think this.” I’m trying. But I am overwhelmingly grateful to have the friends I’ve managed to keep. They’re mine, all mine and they all love biscuits, or is that just when they’re with me?
I wonder how the chaps will make friends. I used to love it as a child, go to the beach, make a new best friend, never see them again. Not in a bad way, it was just understood. I look forward to watching the boys run off with a group of new children for a day. I look forward to discovering which friends they make at primary school, even nursery school, if they’re like mummy it will be a friend for life. I wonder if my obsessive nature has led to such long standing and meaningful friendships. I see Rufus being very obsessive with toys, holding on to them, white knuckled through toilet trips and meals, but the toy changes regularly. Eddie has one love, dear Smithy, his taggy button eyed rabbit, he’s had since he was 3 months old, perhaps that is more like Mummy. Long term love of the same old scraggy rags, no matter how bad they look or smell.
Today I put two party ring football biscuits over my eyes, and played BISCUITS EYES with my friend’s son, a friend my boys call Aunty, not to out do their genuine Aunts, one of whom is my bestest friend ever in the whole wide world, but Eddie and Rufus have 4 bonus Aunts. We were both happy with BISCUIT EYES, even if it did lead to crumb eye. I think perhaps I was more pleased than him. I hope my boys will be friends with him as they grow up. We’ll see. My sister similarly has long term friends, perhaps I’ll blame our Mum, or thank her, that’s a constant battle. Today I’m glad for the friends I have kept, even though they are few and far spread, yesterday I was sad for not being an easy going social crowd mover. But no, I think I am thankful to be this way. Just so damn glad for the emergency biscuits and their help in my momentary glitch.